Bask in The now

Watching our therapy rabbits dive into their cauliflower leaves teaches me that the now is where all the joy comes from.

The mechanical and constant crunch of their junior teeth. Their absolute determination to devour shows me that I should devour this ‘now’.

There’s no other tense that is reliable: the past is doctored by nostalgia and unconscious bias, the future is plain  precarious.

My ‘now’ is a sponge cake perfuming my home, unashamedly crunching rabbits, a court form and evidence to submit ASAP, child benefit form to prove the money is rightfully mine, family who hate me and possible eviction in October.

I choose to do what I can about the problems, close that box and delve into the now: what I have now that makes me feel good-friends who love me, special moments with my children, food cooked for me while I sleep, music that soothes me,words to be rearranged to make a sound of my soul.

That alone will see me through the most challenging times…

What is your ‘now’? img_20190929_075354

 

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Trials

I’m really not one of those rags to riches, cheesy, overnight success stories.

My path has been strewn with abuse, depression, failure and so on…

Right now I’m parked at the station of self pity where I’m underwhelmed by sorrow. My circumstances of court cases, temporary accommodation, financial hardship and alienation from family can form mind forged manacles and deep seated self hatred entwined with bitterness.

On top of that, I am a highly emotional animal and those feelings colour everything from the taste of the air to how good I look in those jeans.

How do we keep going when we’re buried underneath heaps of gnawing problems?

Express-tell people who don’t judge, tell them clearly what u need. I send texts summarising the new depressing event and make it clear if I want a phone call or not or just positive vibes from very far away .

Sometimes there just isn’t anyone to confide in and samaratans etc are just as good to just offload

Get in touch with your gut. Be silent. Be still. Feel the pain. Don’t avoid it.
It’s at these lonesome moments that inspiration pops up like a jack in a box and addiction is more likely to be avoided.

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(me waiting at the benefits office regarding eviction)

To be frank, this alone-timehas kept me alive and that get feeling tells me random stuff like

Have some chicken shop wings 3 for a pound!
Listen to something serene, uplifting or incredibly sad to empathise or lift my mood
Step back from individuals you feel judged by
Sleep
Walk
Check on a friend coz they still need u
Dance
Make new friends because things are feeling stale -Meetup. Com has brought many kindred spirits into my life for over a year now and added new hues and tints to my colourscape!

Get professional advice from GP, citizens advice, police, therapists.Invest time in researching and learning about you.

Leave an overwhelming email or message until strong enough to deal

Live life at the pace I can manage and ask ppl to slow down

Say no even if it was an initial yes. Those who truly love u, will truly understand

Feel free to express your inner self through adornments of every kind.

Change your mind

Take kodak moments of tiny treasures of joy

Step back, review and thank the higher power for stuff that worked from an unexpected smiley face, to a discount to a chance that momentarily gave me hope even if it didn’t work out

Care about stuff outside of you. Boy doez it bring perspective and gratitude

I’m feeling so sad right now… Hoping some of this works for me…

Musical forays

When I was placed in temporary accommodation, due to abuse in June. .. I suddenly tapped into the desire to learn one of the iconic violin concerto s of all time… the Tchaikovsky! 😏

Somehow the deep pathos of this masterpiece and Tchaikovsky’well documented personal tragedy collided with my perilous journey through self hatred, abuse and alienation.

 

‘Art is life’ is not just for the bourgeoisie with oodles of time on their hands, its for the economically deprived and desperate as I find myself now…

Keep finding beauty in the most despairing moments…

Listen to my attempt here!

I intend to defend the blend until the end…

Shadism

https://www.facebook.com/groups/153858560600/permalink/10162554809845601

We’re all talking about it. We’re always talking about it. We always have been….

And if we don’t, we’re thinking about it…img_20190914_131810-1

The paler the better…

I hate being ‘light skinned’ coz men chase me purely for my shade and dark skinned ladies resent me for my shade coz men chase me…

I remember the first time I realized I was being sexualised… barely 10 yrs old, waiting for the bus home in my ra ra skirt… and some deviant male spoke the immortal words that would change my self – perception ‘nice light skinned gal’. Therein lay my power and demise.

Talk about objectification…

‘loving yourself’ seems so cheesy yet so damn relevant

Can we just Big each other Up as we go about our mundane, everyday business? Like just make each other feeeeeeeeel good…. about our humour, our freckles, our caring Ness, our giggle, our handwriting… anything tiny and important …

And media hype wld be gradually demeaned of its strangling hold.

Learning to accept

So essential to take life for what I can get. Our expectations get in the way and stop us from appreciating the now.

It’s so easy to get caught up in our expectations and lose appreciation of what we have now. The temperature, the colours, the aromas, the lingering memories.

Hold on tight to what we have. It raises our happiness levels exponentially!!!!

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