Feeling let down….

I’m absolutely flummoxed. I just don’t know what to say. Do you know what friendship means? Coz I certainly don’t.

One of my massive issues is my hyper sensitivity to betrayal, to feeling let down. I expect so much.

Someone said to me that it’s ok that I expect so much coz I give so much. I’m not convinced.

I seem to be detaching myself constantly as I feel more and more let down in various scenarios and situs and as someone who has no family to help me, that’s just not practical. I’m gonna end up alone…

This is also a poor example to my daughter who is watching the way I deal with life and will imitate, no matter how much I deny it.

I’m so scared of my own potential self destructive decision making. I just dont trust myself at the moment.

Yes I have tried many things to chillax over this, to redefine the criteria for friendship to be less demanding and told myself to take the ‘rough with the smooth’.

When my gut has wanted to dump friends who disappointed or ‘left me in the lurch’, I have quietly distanced myself while waiting for a ‘sign’ from the stars, any indication whether to dismiss the pain and move back closer or just redefine the parameters of the relationship to being less intimate…

Take the wonderful Birthday moment this picture denotes.

So many people cancelled at the last minute and I organised this to protect myself from feeling miserable on my birthday. I had utterly lost it with my children who just didn’t recognise my day and most of my blood family didn’t either. It was painful. It was depressing coz I work so hard on my relationships. I was so anxious about this day that I messaged some friends to be in touch on my bday morning to lift my spirits which they did!!!

After many breakdowns, I am so aware of the things that bring me down and I have to fight for my own well being and that sometimes means begging for help. Both demeaning and liberating!!! Coz as you can see my bday get together was an utter success, an exotic concoction of beautiful souls from the distant past to the very recent and it lifted me!

It’s all a bit of a maze this relationship thing.

I’m flummoxed and the one thing I’m becoming convinced of in this moving sea of shallows and miseries, is that things just keep on moving, changing, transmuting and I just need to let the waves take me in and out, up and down, somersault and float. Like a beggar, just take what I can get when I can get it!

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