Clambering

up the stairs, grasping her food parcel

Skinny arms entwined awkwardly round the cumbersome box like some unwieldy, wriggly baby. Insufficient nuturing arms.

Too many stairs: grunting greedily for the next breath- stopping, sweating, panting

A wizened, gentle Caribbean lilt, floats down quizzically romancing the ears ‘I’ll get a lift put in for you next week my dear’

Gratitude seeps from her greying lonely eyes as the duo defy distancing in their oh so tiny meeting point. Stumbling into her disheveled den, barely holding it together as the box tears up….

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Cookies

We made those cookies…crisp, juicy, tender…

It was our perfect symbiosis. Coming together as the butter enveloped the sugar folding endlessly inside the chocolate speckled flour.

I kept myself at bay. All for this picture perfect momento.

Watched gummy dough carelessly flung onto unreachable walls. Smiled. The multitudes of utensils used once and slammed down wherever sticky side first. Grimaced. The sugar glittering from abject surfaces, the wrappings thrown off in rapid disarray, spittle smeared fingers wiping…

Painful.

Puncture.

Perfect.

Positive vibes…

Sound so mystical, yet so meticulously empiric.

Do stuff. Move. Communicate.

In time, there’s a breakneck rush to the brain of pluses and yaaaays. Smiles implode from every angle.

Negatives are smaller. Problems diminish. Insecurities melt.

But if this is such a simple formula, why oh why can’t I follow it, word for word over and over? Why am I struggling each day with the very fact I have to Be? Why am I still playing hide and seek with my self?

Circles…

I’ve been going round in circles for most of my life. So tedious. Wishing to not exist, trying to deceive myself that I could stop existing.

But the reality always rears its head, reminding me of my realness and my responsibility. Damn painful.

So I acquiesce to social norms like a well groomed youth on his first dinner party, frightened to commit any faux pas.

Get out of bed and live.

Corona purifies

Bare bones. That’s what we’re down to. The joints and marrow…

Stripped of image, distraction, routine. I’m left with me and you with you.

Is this some sick Darwinian trick of nature- leaving a burning hot ember to kick start society once again?

Is Mother Nature finally getting her own back and ruthlessly dismantling our putrid consumerism…giving humans back the time (we were so poor of) to simply kick back and get lost in the perennially pure azure skies …

The clean skies that have suddenly and miraculously returned. Like- now you see her, now you don’t.

The boundless skies robbed by flight companies and Our insatiable appetite for more and cheaper travel ‘experiences’.

Isn’t it shocking how little we need to survive? How things we don’t normally see, now take on seismic proportion in our day: a strangers smile, a bursting blossom, the gasping coldness of tap water, the closeness of 2 breathing bodies side by side-

Human touch

Now Heroic and Sacrificial

Keep on keeping on

Just wanna sink into bland obscurity. Forget I’m not. That’s my deepest wish and desire.

There’s no great answer to this conundrum. Absolutely no solution. It’s a moment by moment decision to keep on joining the dots and willing oneself to the next breath.

That’s just my predicament, my state of being and I think it must be so very boring for others to read but it’s why I write…to just piss out a minutiae of the toxins rushing through my blood stream.

Poisoning mind and body through stasis.

Light…

As a long term sufferer of severe depression and now that I have no job as a zero hour teacher…I can feel utterly undone and just want to sink into my duvet unendingly.

So just getting out feels like a massive milestone.I’m waiting for the medal and praise, the rapturous round of applause as I finally twist the cold door handle and venture out…there is an eerie, anti climactic emptiness awaiting me.

I’m out and boy does it fill you with goodness.

To the humans on my WhatsApp, this is just normal…’just what we do’. ‘Get out while you can’ they keep saying.

Now I’m here and feeling the sun’s warmth on my neck, the blinkingly, blinding light, the wash of blue framing the blossoms and budding trees…natures remedy.

Will it help me tomorrow?…. This is a present for now. I must enjoy it now.

Tomorrow will be another battle. Another battle to see and feel the light.