The monster within

Have you got one? I have. I’m getting to recognise her, meet and greet, even go beyond the niceties, sometimes.

As I spend more time alone, I see her more clearly. Flashbacks of her torment, torment me. It’s just too much. The vivid images of her pushing away tossing, flinging out people, places things fills me with fear. Total fear.

Total recall of anguished tears staining her gorgeous apple shaped -cheeks, formed by a heavenly host. Rivulets of tear tracks have left powdery white marks channeled into viscous pronouncements…

Controlling, manipulating, strangling the freedom of Others. Coercing with a sweet smile and a homemade biscuit. Smothering people in love so that they can all but do as instructed. And when ‘no’ is whimpered by a brave soul, she turns….

That’s who I have been. I have needed My Way and without it I’m a dangerous devil.

Some soothsayers and sages, tell me its the Lack in my life that made the Monster. That I should stop calling her the monster and accept the lost infant child without love, without safety, without security that She is..

I just don’t know if I can love her…however needy and raggedy she looks. I’d give money to a beggar on Tottenham court road station but for Her, I have no change. Never. I’ll stick to hating her.


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