I just cant figure out what’s going on here.
I’m following my instinct and somehow that’s working on some supernatural level that I just cannot figure. I’m getting up everyday and living…I’d go as far to say living well. I’m making the right noises and doing the appropriate actions. But I honestly dont know how. I’m waiting for myself to break but I’m miraculously keeping on going.
I dont know how I’m surviving because I’m single and not freaking out.
I just feel more secure when I have that special somebody. I often ask myself: is it security or just a nice thick blanket between me and myself? When I’m in a relationship I just dont have the chance to really get to know me coz I’m subsumed in chasing, retaining and the all time bummer ‘making it work’.
Commitment to ‘Him’ blocks knowing self-to really getting into my own flesh, blood, arteries, abscesses and oases.
Now, I’m romantically unhinged, there’s no excuse: no one to blame, no distraction to kidnap me from doing what I know I need to.
I do feel sad. I feel loneliness knocking and her beloved sister Depression beckoning me. Motivation is hard to summon and smiles tougher to paint on.
I am utterly petrified of single hood. But somehow, I know that if I sit in this, bathe and immerse myself in it and just keep on acknowledging the grating, silent turmoil ….something Good Will come.