Matriarchy

I have so many mothers. So many women who nurture me the way I never was. They tell me I’m great, beautiful, always right, a phenomenal success…you know mother stuff.

So, its an absolute honour to play it forward and love up on a young un.

I just feel so protective of her. She’s beautiful, always right, a raging success.. so don’t even think about it!!!!!

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Peace of mind

Is it too much to always be in a state of accomplishing?

Should I be always attaining advancing acquiring?

Is it lowering standards or elevated maturity that I pat myself on the back and say ‘well done for preparing food today’

I just can’t tell if I’m falling in love with myself or letting myself down.

The dreamy eyed lover lapping up every moment as the waves ebb and flow over my reflection.

Is that who I am to become to get away with doing nothing?

Coz doing nothing is all I’m good for right now.

Circles…

I’ve been going round in circles for most of my life. So tedious. Wishing to not exist, trying to deceive myself that I could stop existing.

But the reality always rears its head, reminding me of my realness and my responsibility. Damn painful.

So I acquiesce to social norms like a well groomed youth on his first dinner party, frightened to commit any faux pas.

Get out of bed and live.

Corona purifies

Bare bones. That’s what we’re down to. The joints and marrow…

Stripped of image, distraction, routine. I’m left with me and you with you.

Is this some sick Darwinian trick of nature- leaving a burning hot ember to kick start society once again?

Is Mother Nature finally getting her own back and ruthlessly dismantling our putrid consumerism…giving humans back the time (we were so poor of) to simply kick back and get lost in the perennially pure azure skies …

The clean skies that have suddenly and miraculously returned. Like- now you see her, now you don’t.

The boundless skies robbed by flight companies and Our insatiable appetite for more and cheaper travel ‘experiences’.

Isn’t it shocking how little we need to survive? How things we don’t normally see, now take on seismic proportion in our day: a strangers smile, a bursting blossom, the gasping coldness of tap water, the closeness of 2 breathing bodies side by side-

Human touch

Now Heroic and Sacrificial

The monster within

Have you got one? I have. I’m getting to recognise her, meet and greet, even go beyond the niceties, sometimes.

As I spend more time alone, I see her more clearly. Flashbacks of her torment, torment me. It’s just too much. The vivid images of her pushing away tossing, flinging out people, places things fills me with fear. Total fear.

Total recall of anguished tears staining her gorgeous apple shaped -cheeks, formed by a heavenly host. Rivulets of tear tracks have left powdery white marks channeled into viscous pronouncements…

Controlling, manipulating, strangling the freedom of Others. Coercing with a sweet smile and a homemade biscuit. Smothering people in love so that they can all but do as instructed. And when ‘no’ is whimpered by a brave soul, she turns….

That’s who I have been. I have needed My Way and without it I’m a dangerous devil.

Some soothsayers and sages, tell me its the Lack in my life that made the Monster. That I should stop calling her the monster and accept the lost infant child without love, without safety, without security that She is..

I just don’t know if I can love her…however needy and raggedy she looks. I’d give money to a beggar on Tottenham court road station but for Her, I have no change. Never. I’ll stick to hating her.

Food love

He’s back!!!!

Not having him near me for 18 days caused a massive hole…an abyss. I didn’t know how much I had come to rely on his emotional intelligence, quirky habits and verbal dalliances!!

It’s scary to be so dependent.

To realise My need. But it’s so refreshing to admit this to myself, to be transparent rather than pseudo detached, adult and cool.

The court cases, financial hardship, family alienation are less looming and pushed back into perspective a little more!

Feeling goooood, dressed in Nikolas’ gift- tartan skirt!

Healthy hearty breakfast

Melt butter and oatmilk, add salt and pepper. Crack eggs and stir on high heat. Slice tomatoes, oranges and fresh spinach with a dash of olive oil.

Breakfast with love. …

Letting go…

Christmas but comes once a year…

Trying to make it special, trying to meet psycho social, emotional, dietary,financial, needs, trying to enjoy, following my heart…

It all seems to contradict each other at the moment.

The happier I am, the more unhappy my family seem to be.

I just dont get it.

I think I just need let go. Let go of my control. Let go of my role.

Just see what happens.

If I free them maybe they won’t come back, maybe they will.

I need to let go…

Trauma twins.

Was so great to be in the presence of a dear friend today.

We need connection so very badly. All of us. No matter how much we may love our solitary sojourns, other voices keep us tied into a wider community.

I need the affirmation she gives me. It feeds me and strengthens me.

She’s always believed that I have been abused and that Faith in my Word is more valuable than Gold.

She’s always believed that I’m a good mother and again this contradicts my ex and the ICOC church that denigrates women to pre feudal times.

She’s always been adamant that I am capable of looking after myself.

Beautiful sentiments that keep me living and breathing.