Mini melt down

I had a mini meltdown yday. Haunted by scary, twisted dreams, waking up in a film of abandonment and betrayal.

PTSD doing its work.

Then my abusive x sent me a nonsensical email that not even my super clever friend could decipher.

He knows to not contact me directly. The court order he signed said it, my legal guy told him for 1 year, over and over, yet some people just dont get LEAVE HER alone.

It catalyzed all kinds of reactions, frozen on my sofa, unable to move. Stomach in knots, mind hurting, tears rolling.

Healing is a long, long path.

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Bach 2nd attempt

So, I printed off the beginning of the third movement of Bachs double yday.

The excitement abounded. I couldn’t wait to hear me playing it again, 32 years later.

It’s magnificent, enlightening, irridscent. The descending drama of the thirds that leads to some contrasting gentility and slight vibrato that is bombarded by those stabbing triplets is absolute aural hedonism.

I had already warmed up by revisiting the beginning of the first movement, warmed by all its welcoming jollility. So simple sounding and scale and arpeggio based. The Bach trade mark repetitive motifs that are slightly altered as my fingers fly in flight is so familiar and homely.

I need to keep practising if I’m gonna do this audition. Let’s hope I stay disciplined over the coming days!

Light…

As a long term sufferer of severe depression and now that I have no job as a zero hour teacher…I can feel utterly undone and just want to sink into my duvet unendingly.

So just getting out feels like a massive milestone.I’m waiting for the medal and praise, the rapturous round of applause as I finally twist the cold door handle and venture out…there is an eerie, anti climactic emptiness awaiting me.

I’m out and boy does it fill you with goodness.

To the humans on my WhatsApp, this is just normal…’just what we do’. ‘Get out while you can’ they keep saying.

Now I’m here and feeling the sun’s warmth on my neck, the blinkingly, blinding light, the wash of blue framing the blossoms and budding trees…natures remedy.

Will it help me tomorrow?…. This is a present for now. I must enjoy it now.

Tomorrow will be another battle. Another battle to see and feel the light.

New You, New Me.

I love to celebrate craft, pursuit of excellence, Quality with a capital Q in whatever field.

Well we all know how much our hair means to us. All of it or none of it. Hair plagues the image-conscious- confidence.

My hairdresser has taken me through many life – hair styles. She knew me when I was living the lie- of Happy Families and ‘holier than though’ church.

She saw me try and assert Me in a coercive church and relationship.

She witnessed me go through many breakdowns…she witnessed me leave my family and crawl back in a suicidal state.

She watched me get help from Mental health workers, domestic abuse support, Judges, Social workers, nearly end up in a refuge, sofa surf and be finally housed for domestic abuse by the council.

Then she saw me start to listen to my intuition, my soul, my Politics, my Purpose in a cocoon of new and old loving friends and equilibrium.

Check her out. She does hair of all races, all styles. Dawnette, North London, UK
Mobile 079-563-30484

Well done me!

I celebrated my achievements with ‘All of Me’ to quote a Billie Holiday classic.

Yes me and some fried bread, bacon,runny poached eggs and salad…soon to become part of me!!!

I celebrate:

Escaping a cult by the skin of my teeth

Protectingmyself from nearly 2 decade abusive relationship with the help of Judges,police, social workers and the like

Doing EVERYTHING in my physical, emotional, spiritual power to heal my kids

Cutting out people who make me doubt my intuition

Moving away from people who my soul is squashed by

Initiating with good souls who care

Fighting for my mental well being whatever that means on that day

Getting benefits when my ex prevented it and people around me doubted it

Working as an English teacher

Getting back into grass roots activism

Starting this blog and the chance to speak out on any ting!!!!

Trusting Myself!!

Please share what you celebrate about YOU XXXXXXX

Take note

Me before the ballet…

Hold onto special moments… when you’re enjoying things, when you feel good.

Remember them, highlight them, force them to the forefront of the mind.

When existential crisis is simply a way of life-a perennial buzzing noise at the back of the brain, so longstanding and so negatively normal… Good Times must be returned to, savoured, calmly surveyed inch by inch.

With a fearfilled interview ahead of me this week, involving me remembering traumatic events that I have buried to simply survive living… I need these precious triggers of Goodness, anticipation, warmth, safety.

Planning my outfit, pulling on my silky, delicate tights, choosing my bling with a careful aesthetic eye, eyelining with dramatic emphasis, wrapping myself in my faux fur…

Spending 2 hours indulging in beauty that is unnecessary but oh so necessary….

Do this for You, for your loved ones so they can get the best of you, so you can be resurrected once again to that bright, shiny You.

Gratitude works.

Today was a hard day…

2 hours mediation about my children with professionals and family

I flew through a myriad of emotion and pain of the past like a buzzing bee collecting pollen

Anxious, vulnerable, defensive, angry…

It was a spinning wheel of misfortune touching on infected wounds , unanswered questions, self blame: an abyss of sadness

Yet, somehow chinks of light glinted through the thick, cloudy bleakness

Lists of positives are a cheesey activity that I try to avoid at all costs but in these hard times, ‘gratitude lists’ melts the rock hard, ice cold cynicism I feel.

This painting by Turner says it all.

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The iridescent, glistening light speaks hope into a chasm of dank, dark times.

‘count your blessings’ a go- to of many a religion and self help group that I might have poo pooed in the past, actually works..

The positivity justs eats away at the heaviness and stops one from dragging ones feet that heavily … not necessarily a spring in the step, but a tad bit lighter

 

Today I’m thankful for friends who carried me through the stress and picked up all the emotional shit I threw, a new routine for me and my kids, breathtaking art at the Tate Britain, holding hands and feeling like a little girl again with my special friend…

 

 

 

 

Love your core

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Caring for myself so I can care for others is one of the most overplayed mantras on repeat in my head.

After 6 consecutive breakdowns in the past 7 years, I have learnt the hard way to listen to every twitch, itch, iota of negativity piercing my soul.

I step away from bad vibes immediately because I’ve finally accepted – without judgement – my super sensitive, vulnerable core… Lost many friends but gained genuine, loving people too… (yeah i can’t take a joke…)

Coz the people who have suffered the most are actually my kids-not knowing who they’re gonna get each day.  If I’ll get out of bed this month or not. I feel for them and because of them I protect myself coz I don’t have enough self love to do it for me.

For some reason I just don’t value myself, never have…. but being a mother has motivated me beyond myself!!!!

Food is important and in a week like this when I have flu breathing down my neck from my students and my family … I have to feed myself well.

Chicken livers-a South African staple-loadsa frozen spinach, spices, tomatoes and peas accompanied by baked sweet potato.

Making something just for me, not something my kids like is also a new attitude of self care I’ve adopted.

It shows them that I matter to me… subliminal lessons in respecting their elder.

This has resurrected my flu torn body and self love!!!!