Tier 4 or not.
When you have looked friends and family straight in the eye who want to destroy you, this new restriction is water off a ducks back.
Abuse gives perspective.
Nobody particularly the state who actually dont care if I live or die, ain’t gonna steal my joy. Yum. Chili Roast chicken and creamy cauliflower!!!
The bad past cannot be ignored.
The good present can be embraced.
The future….oooooh that’s so exciting
This weekend felt like the end of the world. I was truly at the end.
I could not see beyond, or over to the other side. In fact, there was no other side.
PTSD and flashbacks twisting and stabbing their way through my flesh, sinews, tissue. Searing the core of me.
Forced sex, psychological subjugation render me a spineless, rag doll heaped in a corner.
Heaped in a corner, but there’s still hope. Still hope. I’m still here.
This friend sent me this lovely card reminding me of how bad things were last year.
Reminding me of her loving friendship. She believed me when many didn’t.
Reminding me that I have something so precious. My own home. Where I can be safe with my beautiful children.
Thank God I’m going out tonight. Hoping to find some positive energy to turn that down pression toward light and sun.
Winter is seeming to drain the life blood out of me.
This week feels like its put alot of us on the back foot
Days are hard and night seems to be the most inviting. Itching for unconsciousness to take me far away.
Ofsted under the brand spanking new framework put the whole school on heightened alert and tension.
Failing hot water drove me and the kids to biting one liners, filling up kettles and buckets with boiling water, incessant moaning and endless calls to the Council.
Proving I should retain child benefit that my ex is trying to take from me, find witnesses for an oncoming court case and fight for benefits that are my Right: enveloped me in mounds of hard, unsympathetic, blank, crackling, white paper – the canvass for hard evidence, I Must Find.
This is too hard.
It’s All on me.
4 hours of driving each day in a derelict car that needs daily top ups of water and oil filled me with exhausted numbness.
Couldn’t even write a blog. Couldn’t enunciate the sadness fog.
Can’t even find it in me to care if the Conservatives get in again, or look forward .. .
I am with my dear friend.
Have you ever felt like the broken you can only reveal itself in front of very special people?
I don’t even reveal this self to me.
Somehow, the honesty and realness of this connection means the painful stuff just oozes out.
I find myself behaving in strange ways that I don’t recognise…from the strong,independent, black, conscious, single mother I have been told I am.
I find myself filled with fear, a little girl, a baby sucking my thumb, I’m scared of being used, I’m scared to voice my feelings, I’m trembling to say ‘no, I don’t want this’.
Somehow, connecting with this traumatised child inside me is healing me, piece by piece.
Hearing her, holding her, accepting her is eschewing a new serenity.
Thank you Nikolas.
When you’re not used to it. Peace is strange.
It’s a feeling of nothing that is quite disconcerting: moving slowly, mind and body in sink, nothing pressing on the mind.
It’s worrying because I wonder…is this the start of a new bout of depression or some new psychiatric disorder…
I am grounded and I’m enjoying the nothing of mind, body, spirit. Grounded in The Now. The feel of my new extra thick socks, the bitter wind caressing my cheeks, the vision of the shadowy moon hiding behind drifting clouds, the grains of peanuts assaulting my taste buds in my creamy peanut punch.
No rush. No urgency.
The problems will be here tomorrow.
Court has become a way of life for me.
It’s petrifying. It kills my stomach. I can’t breath.
Less than 50 mins to go.
I need strength from wherever I can get it.
I love my job.
Yes I’m a supply teacher. Yes I get bad attitude from staff and students. Yes I’m the bottom of the educational food chain.
So what? – to quote Miles Davis.
Coz I love teens-their intensity, apathy, anti establishment, honesty. I love words, I love talking about themes, literary structures, philosophical concepts, emotional wrangles every single day…
I love Nikolas!
allandnothingsokoya 