We’re healing

I cannot begin to say how grateful I am.

I escaped. I thought I was gonna die.

We’re thriving and it’s so beautiful. Hearing my children laugh and joke and explore and feel free.

Yes it was worth being betrayed by my friends and family. Yes it was worth the rape, the homelessness, the court cases, the bullying, the poverty.

Now my eschew have a chance to find their selves, their meaning, without the pressure of being in a narcissistic cult.

I survived and God am I proud of what I achieved. I achieved.

December 21, 2020December 21, 2020 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: UncategorizedTags: Abuse, Christmas, cult, family, healing, icoc, Ptsd, single mum Leave a comment

My babies

My children have beautiful souls. They do.

Last night was delightful. First night of the holidays. Oozing chilled, mildly intoxicated, banter.

I love my children.

Binary fluid, cocaine, covid corruption, our past, the times they were born, how many squares each individual has a right to on the corner sofa, did we attend a cult or a church since they were born, if I’m black or a woman of colour, were just a few of the topics that breezed through our cosy Christmas scene.

Talk about Woke.

These people gonna change the world.

Always love. Love always.

December 19, 2020December 19, 2020 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: UncategorizedTags: communication relationship, family, Ptsd, single mum Leave a comment

Mini melt down

I had a mini meltdown yday. Haunted by scary, twisted dreams, waking up in a film of abandonment and betrayal.

PTSD doing its work.

Then my abusive x sent me a nonsensical email that not even my super clever friend could decipher.

He knows to not contact me directly. The court order he signed said it, my legal guy told him for 1 year, over and over, yet some people just dont get LEAVE HER alone.

It catalyzed all kinds of reactions, frozen on my sofa, unable to move. Stomach in knots, mind hurting, tears rolling.

Healing is a long, long path.

December 4, 2020 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: UncategorizedTags: abuse. mental health, anxiety, Domestic Abuse, Ptsd, Self care, stress Leave a comment

Good times…

Let the good times roll.

So lovely to be in loving company. Feeling warm, fuzzy and happily hazy. So nice to be a little girl again, attended to and loved.

Re writing my skewed childhood in my 40s.

Why not?

November 18, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: Blog, Diary, Inspirational, Mental health, Motivational, Self care, Single motherTags: Blog, Mental health, Motivational, over 40, Psychology, Ptsd, Self care mental health Leave a comment

Drrrrained

Thank God I’m going out tonight. Hoping to find some positive energy to turn that down pression toward light and sun.

Winter is seeming to drain the life blood out of me.

This week feels like its put alot of us on the back foot

Days are hard and night seems to be the most inviting. Itching for unconsciousness to take me far away.

Ofsted under the brand spanking new framework put the whole school on heightened alert and tension.

Failing hot water drove me and the kids to biting one liners, filling up kettles and buckets with boiling water, incessant moaning and endless calls to the Council.

Proving I should retain child benefit that my ex is trying to take from me, find witnesses for an oncoming court case and fight for benefits that are my Right: enveloped me in mounds of hard, unsympathetic, blank, crackling, white paper – the canvass for hard evidence, I Must Find.

This is too hard.

It’s All on me.

4 hours of driving each day in a derelict car that needs daily top ups of water and oil filled me with exhausted numbness.

Couldn’t even write a blog. Couldn’t enunciate the sadness fog.

Can’t even find it in me to care if the Conservatives get in again, or look forward .. .

November 16, 2019November 16, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: Abuse, Blog, Diary, Divorce, Domestic abusr, Inspirational, Life, Mental health, Motivational, Self care, Single mother, Teaching, trauma, Uncategorized, women's healthTags: Abuse, Blog, Depression, Diary, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, Life, Mental health, Motherhood, Positivity, Psychology, Ptsd, Purpose, women's health 1 Comment

Broken

I am with my dear friend.

Have you ever felt like the broken you can only reveal itself in front of very special people?

I don’t even reveal this self to me.

Somehow, the honesty and realness of this connection means the painful stuff just oozes out.

I find myself behaving in strange ways that I don’t recognise…from the strong,independent, black, conscious, single mother I have been told I am.

I find myself filled with fear, a little girl, a baby sucking my thumb, I’m scared of being used, I’m scared to voice my feelings, I’m trembling to say ‘no, I don’t want this’.

Somehow, connecting with this traumatised child inside me is healing me, piece by piece.

Hearing her, holding her, accepting her is eschewing a new serenity.

Thank you Nikolas.

November 10, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: Abuse, Blog, Diary, Divorce, Domestic abusr, Inspirational, Life, Mental health, Motivational, Self care, Single mother, trauma, women's healthTags: Abuse, Blog, Cults, Depression, Diary, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, Life, Mental health, Motivational, over 40, Positivity, Psychology, Ptsd, Purpose, Relationships, Self care mental health, Self help, Spiritual, women's health Leave a comment

Court…judgement…aaahhh

Court has become a way of life for me.

It’s petrifying. It kills my stomach. I can’t breath.

Less than 50 mins to go.

I need strength from wherever I can get it.

November 4, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: Abuse, Blog, Diary, Domestic abusr, Inspirational, LifeTags: Abuse, Blog, Diary, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, Life, Positivity, Ptsd 2 Comments

Live in Hope

Feeling a serious bout of sadness today after having to relive traumas infront of a police camera yesterday…

The feeling is indescribable… like the wind has been taken out of my sails… the smile wiped off my face… sensed numbed, sensibilities erased…

A walking emptiness….

I tell myself I have to ride this… Wait it out… feel the pain of abuse…

Don’t deny myself this agony…

So the healing that I crave is whole and true and thorough

I live in hope… and those fluffy PJs I bought on Monday are coming in handy…a physical, soft, cushioned, fluffy, comfort.

Finally threw out my abusers PJs… it took me this long🙄

Like my soul knew what I needed when I cancelled everything on Monday to go PJ shopping…

Listen to your soul…

October 30, 2019October 30, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: Abuse, Blog, Diary, Inspirational, Life, Mental health, Motivational, Self careTags: Abuse, Depression, Mental health, Ptsd Leave a comment

Gratitude works.

Today was a hard day…

2 hours mediation about my children with professionals and family

I flew through a myriad of emotion and pain of the past like a buzzing bee collecting pollen

Anxious, vulnerable, defensive, angry…

It was a spinning wheel of misfortune touching on infected wounds , unanswered questions, self blame: an abyss of sadness

Yet, somehow chinks of light glinted through the thick, cloudy bleakness

Lists of positives are a cheesey activity that I try to avoid at all costs but in these hard times, ‘gratitude lists’ melts the rock hard, ice cold cynicism I feel.

This painting by Turner says it all.

 

The iridescent, glistening light speaks hope into a chasm of dank, dark times.

‘count your blessings’ a go- to of many a religion and self help group that I might have poo pooed in the past, actually works..

The positivity justs eats away at the heaviness and stops one from dragging ones feet that heavily … not necessarily a spring in the step, but a tad bit lighter

 

Today I’m thankful for friends who carried me through the stress and picked up all the emotional shit I threw, a new routine for me and my kids, breathtaking art at the Tate Britain, holding hands and feeling like a little girl again with my special friend…

 

 

 

 

October 19, 2019October 21, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: UncategorizedTags: Abuse, Art, Diary, Divorce, Friendship, Gallery, Mental health, Psychology, Ptsd, Self care, Turner Leave a comment

Nightmares. ..

I’m just so damn scared coz I’m scarred…

Things I try to ignore in the day haunt me at night…

You can’t escape the pain forever… Time for mourning is needed…

Mourning lost hopes and dreams, lost innocence, lost trust…

So painful yet without it, real healing is impossible…

I need to go back to the pain, bit by bit, accept the facts of what happened…

Instead of being the strong, single mother who can face anything… I shed that skin and allow the wounds to weep..

The exploitation, the constant abrasive words, the torture, the threats, the reminders of my inadequacy from children and adults around me, the burying alive with scripture, the silencing in the name of God…

My church triggered my psychological traumas, in the name of Jesus…they destroyed me for the sake of their God given mission…because I questioned their system…. they put me in my place…

I walk away, I get out, I say no more… I rest, I recover, I heal…

As Lauren Hill said when liberating me through these inspired lyrics-

Are you sure it’s God you servin’
Obligated to a system
Getting less then you’re deserving
Who made up these schools, I say
Who made up these rules, I say
Animal conditioning
Oh, just to keep us as a slave
Oh, just get out
Of this social purgatory
Just get out
All these traditions are alive
Just get out
Superstition killing freedom

 

October 18, 2019October 18, 2019 by allandnothingsokoya Categories: UncategorizedTags: Abuse, Cults, Mental health, Ptsd, Religion Leave a comment